


I Wish It was a Small World

by shrimpheavenwow



Series: Hiraeth [1]
Category: Polygon/McElroy Vlogs & Podcasts RPF
Genre: Brian is. sad, Dialogue Heavy, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pat helps him be less sad, Songfic, he goes home but no worries it is not to stay, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 21:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18978277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrimpheavenwow/pseuds/shrimpheavenwow
Summary: Brian visits Baltimore but nothing feels the same





	I Wish It was a Small World

**Author's Note:**

> We stan processing emotions through projection lmao. Unbeta'd.
> 
> Title from [Raining in Baltimore by Counting Crows](https://youtu.be/gEnCxGh8kBg) which was also the song this is set around. It's not a happy song but I'll be damned if I write hurt without comfort.

Brian had been back in Baltimore for two days and nothing was okay.

He’d gone down for his brother’s wedding, and by all means, he should have been excited. And he was! Kind of. A little bit. 

He wasn’t excited. He hadn’t wanted to come down in the first place. Things had been crazy at work, with the channel getting more popular and the second season of unraveled already in progress. It was good and Brian was happy about it, but it was stressful. Taking a few days off for Patrick’s wedding was supposed to be a reprieve, a break from the constant pressure of having to create. It was a relief for about 12 hours. Then the anxiety started to kick back in. 

He knew it was going to happen, and that was why he hadn’t wanted to come down. He couldn’t be idle for more than a few hours, not with how much he had to do, and, as a workaholic, being home without any ability to be productive was more a curse than a blessing. 

There was also the fact that he had to be away from Pat for a bit which was, well, less than ideal. 

What he and Pat had was relatively new. They’d been together for a few months, but Brian was a romantic at heart. He’d fallen in love with him shortly after starting at Polygon, and actually being with him had only strengthened his feelings. He was only going to be gone for four days tops, probably less if he could help it, but even not seeing Pat for that long felt like an eternity.

So he hadn’t been exactly overjoyed when he realized the wedding was coming up, and that he’d have to put his life on hold to go back home.

Brian loved his brother, he loved him dearly. His siblings were one of the most important things to him in the world and he would support them till the end of time. But something about the whole trip had put him in a kind of weird mood, not bitter, but not really able to deal with any kind of human contact for more than a few minutes. 

Which is how he found himself walking the Inner Harbor in Baltimore proper. It was muggy, humidity in combination with the darkening clouds suggesting rain at some point. Brian stopped for a minute to look out at the the water, to watch the boats docked there bob slightly in their place. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and continued walking, set in a lazy stroll that gave him time to take everything in.

He gone there to clear his head, to be surrounded by people but left alone. Baltimore was like New York in that way; there could be people everywhere but hardly any of them would bother you. It had started out nice, a pleasant nostalgia settling over him. He hadn’t been to the aquarium in years, but he remembered the field trips. He’d seen more than his fair share of concerts at Pier Six. He’d eaten at damn near every seafood restaurant in the area. He knew this place like the back of his hand. It was home, and yet…

And yet everything about it felt slightly off. It was like Brian had walked into an alternate universe built from his memories. There were things he remembered and things he forgot but as intimately as he knew the place, it didn’t feel like it belonged to him anymore. More than that though, it felt like  _ he  _ didn’t belong there, more a tourist than a resident.

The thought sparked unbidden panic in his chest, and suddenly Brian had never felt more alone. A cold wave of sadness washed over him. He looked around, anxiety growing every second as he saw a city that he recognized so easily but felt so foreign in. His heart beat faster, his gaze becoming frantic as he looked for something,  _ anything _ to ground him.

A rumble of thunder broke him out of his frenzy, drawing his gaze suddenly upward. He felt the warning drizzle that meant impending rain and suddenly all the urgent panic was gone. In its place was just a resolved sadness, an oppressive heaviness and isolation that made it seem impossible to move. 

The sky broke open overhead in a sudden downpour. For a moment, he just stood there, letting the water run down him unabated, before coming to his senses and heading towards cover. The streets were full of people rushing around, trying to find awnings and stores to take shelter in. Brian joined them. 

He found reprieve with a couple other people under a small awning in front of a restaurant. His clothes stuck to his body, every little breeze chilling him to the core. It wasn’t long before he was shivering. He was wet and cold and alone and nothing was okay.

Brain took his phone out of his pocket, pulling up Pat’s contact. He could call him. He wanted to call him. It was the only thing he could really think of that could comfort him, but he also didn’t really even understand why he was upset and if he didn’t know what was wrong, then how could Pat help?

Brian called him anyway.

Pat picked up on the second ring.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” Brian sighed into the phone, letting out some of his tension at Pat’s voice.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing, I just... needed to call you.”

“Oh, okay,” Pat said, easy and comfortable like he understood everything before Brian had even said it. 

Brian shifted his weight onto his other foot, watching the street as it got bombarded with rain. 

“It’s raining here,” Brian said, a bit more morose than he’d intended. “I’m soaked through right now.”

“It’s really hot here. I might burn honestly,” Pat responded, rolling with the conversation even though Brian could tell he knew there was more to it than what they were saying. This small talk was just barely masking the reason Brian called, but he couldn’t talk about it yet. He couldn’t lead off with it.

“I’d kill for a sunburn right now,” he said instead. Pat chuckled on the other side. The conversation lulled. All Brian could hear was rain. After a moment, Pat spoke again.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

“Yeah, of course, why?” Brian lied, but it lacked conviction. He was an actor but the sorrow permeated every pore of his body. It was almost like being in mourning.

“Brian, I know you didn’t call to talk about the weather.”

Brian sighed, running a hand through his wet hair. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I don’t know, It’s just weird being back here. It’s like, everything’s the same but it all feels different.” He paused for a moment and then, in a small voice, added, “Maybe I’m different.”

Pat hummed sympathetically. “Time and distance will do that to you.”

“Yeah. I miss you,” he said suddenly. “I miss you a lot. I know it’s only been like, two days but...”

“I miss you too,” Pat answered. If Brian had felt silly for missing him before, he certainly didn’t now. Something about Pat made Brian feel so validated in his emotions, like nothing he felt was ever unreasonable or unjustified. 

“I want to be back there.” The rain was causing the water in the bay to get rougher, splashing angrily against the dock.

“Do you want me to buy you a plane ticket?” Pat teased. 

Brian chuckled despite himself. He drove down and Pat knew it. “Yeah, I’ll just drop everything and head back, miss the wedding, leave my car here.” 

“I mean, we all know who the more important Patrick is.”

Brian huffed out another laugh. He sniffled, half from being cold and wet and half because how he felt. Talking to someone helped, especially if that someone was Pat, but he was still alone, and he still felt about the same as he did before.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Pat asked. Brian could hear the concern in his voice and he hated himself for it, hated that he was making Pat worry. He shrugged and then remembered that Pat couldn’t see it.

“I’m fine, I guess,” he started. “It’s just strange having a life somewhere for so long and then just suddenly feeling so out of place there. I’m kinda...” he trailed off.

“Kinda what?” Pat asked.

Brian shook his head. “It’s stupid.” 

“It’s not.”

He could feel his eyes starting to well up with tears and he had to will himself to not start crying in front of these strangers under the awning with him. He felt vulnerable, exposed, like these strangers were listening in on his life and could hear just how pathetic he was. None of them seemed to be paying attention to him, but he had no doubt that anyone could tell from a glance just how broken he was.

A stray tear fell down Brian’s face but he quickly wiped it away. He kept his eyes fixed on rain pelting the water and took a deep breath to steady himself. Pat was quiet on the other end, but Brian could hear him breathing. He took another breathe and started talking.

“It’s just kinda scary, you know? Like, everything in New York moves so fast, and it always feels like you’re just holding onto the crowd, barely keeping up, like in a moment you’ll be gone. Baltimore was the one really steady thing in my life, but now it’s changing and I’m changing and I can’t do anything about it and it all just feels so wrong.” He laughed, mirthless. “My brother is starting a life here and I can’t even figure out where I’m supposed to be. This is home, but it doesn’t feel like it anymore. And I don’t know, I guess I’m just kinda scared,” Brian finished, his voice cracking just slightly. He wiped away another stray tear and took a shaky breath.

It took a second before Pat answered. It was the way Pat responded to things, especially things like this, but for some reason the pause made Brian anxious, like Pat was about to tell him he really was being stupid, even though Brian knew he would never.

“Maybe it isn’t home anymore. Maybe you belong to New York now,” Pat said instead.

Brian snorted out a laugh, just a tad too bitter to lighten the mood like he wished it would. “Maryland isn’t a place you can wash out easily. I have old bay running through my veins, Pat.” 

Pat succeeded where Brian failed though, easily turning the conversation into something less serious. “I know it’s an old practice, but if bloodletting would help you out there-”

“ _ Pat _ ,” Brian interrupted, exasperated but laughing.

“Fine, fine.” They were both silent for a moment. “You feeling better?” Pat asked.

Brian sighed, shifting his weight to his other foot. “Yeah, I think so.” He looked out at the harbor and realized that the rain has started to calm down slightly, not yet a drizzle but certainly less than the downpour it had been before. “The rain is starting to let up a bit.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah…. Hey Pat?” He asked.

“Yes Brian?” Pat answered.

“You should come down to Baltimore with me sometime. I’ll show you the sights, make you eat some crabs, go to Edgar Allan Poe’s grave, it’ll be fun.”

“I’d love that,” Pat said, and Brian could tell he meant it. He bit his lip, forcing himself to speak before he lost his nerve.

“Pat?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think home is Baltimore or New York.” There was a confused pause on Pat’s end.

“Where is then?” Brian took a second, his heart racing just a little.

“I think… I think you’re home for me, Pat.”

There was a long moment where Pat didn’t speak. Panic flared up in Brian again but for a whole other reason than before. He tried to laugh it off, a forced, unrealistic kind of noise.

“God that was cheesy, I’m sorr-” 

“I love you,” Pat interrupted, and then it was Brian’s turn to be silent.

They hadn’t said it before, though Brian obviously had felt that way for longer than he had any right to. He was just so scared of fucking everything up that he hadn’t brought himself around to saying it yet. The fact that Pat said it first took him by surprise, but warmth swelled in his chest anyway, even through the chill of his wet clothes.

“I love you too,” he answered softly, easily, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

They were quiet for a second before Pat spoke again. “God I can’t wait for you to get back,” he said in one breath, longing heavy in his voice.

“Me too. I want to spend a whole day just in bed with you,” Brian responded.

“Oh?” Pat said, a teasing lilt to his voice.

“Not like that, ya goof” Brian laughed. “I just want to be next to you and watch Netflix and kiss you and forget about everything for a while.”

“Me too,” Pat said, and it was all sincerity. Brian smiled to himself, letting them linger in the moment, contentedly quiet.

“I’m going to come back wearing all the Maryland flag stuff I own,” Brian said, breaking their silence.

“Even the shorts?” Pat asked

“ _ Especially  _ the shorts.”

Pat laughed. “Hey, I have to go get back to work. I’ll call you later?”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

“Get home quick.”

“I’ll try.”

“I love you,” Pat said and god did Brian love the sound of him saying it.

“I love you too,” he grinned.

They both paused then, reveling in the moment.

“Okay…okay, I love you,” Pat said again, his smile audible, even through the phone. 

Brian giggled a little. “I love you too, you idiot, now go before you get in trouble.” Pat chuckled back.

“Alright, I love you, bye.”

“ _ Bye _ .”

Brian hung up the phone, smiling wide. He was the only one left under the awning now, the rain settling into a light drizzle that was enough for people to start walking in again. Brian resumed his stroll back along the harbor, no place in particular to go but feeling infinitely lighter than before.

He stopped for a moment, looking out over the water. There was a rainbow there, faint, but just clear enough to be seen. The post-rain sky made the world look slightly golden, yellow from the sun peaking out from between the clouds.

He smiled and kept walking. Maybe this wasn’t home anymore, but that was okay. Brian had found something better.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you liked it! Comments and kudos keep me going so I'd appreciate those!
> 
> Hmu on tumblr @ gunraveled


End file.
